Are Please and Thank You Still the Magic Words?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in line at the drive-thru (we frequent them all during baseball season!) and the car in front of us places their order somewhat like this: “Yeah, GIVE ME two Big Macs, but don’t put that stupid sauce on them, and I want a large Coke without all that GD ice you load the cup with.” 

This is not an exaggeration, sadly, and worse, these cars usually have a hoard of little kids in the back seats, listening to every demanding syllable that is uttered to the 17-year-old pimply teen taking the order.

As the oldest of five, born in 1964 – yes, that makes me 47 – I was brought up with the simple but powerful golden rule.  DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D LIKE THEM TO DO UNTO YOU.  There were other “rules” but this isn’t the time and place to discuss them, so we’ll stick to the theme at heart: kids and manners, or should we say, the lack thereof?

Our Gansett Mom’s Council takes this subject very seriously, especially because we all have kids involved in sports and extracurricular activities where the sky’s the limit for being respectful outside the home.  Anyone who drives a carpool and has the ability to quietly eavesdrop, oh, I mean listen, when their kids and friends are chatting on the ride home can appreciate the cringing we do when our Sainted child or one of their BFFs talk about the student teacher’s too-short skirt or how Davey’s mother has the worst breath on the block.  (You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you?)

So what gives?  Are kids really becoming unbelievably rude and if so, is our culture to blame?

Our Mom’s Council unanimously agreed that today’s youth needs many reminders about good manners in general. They see inappropriate behavior on the school bus, in the classroom, on television, their own homes — everywhere!

Begin when they are young

Even toddler-age children can start to learn the fundamentals of good manners. Begin with the basics – behave quietly in public places (use your inside voice), share with others, ask permission to use someone else's belongings, show respect for yourself and those around you, etc. By the time your child reaches preschool, she should know the rules of polite conduct and decorum, even if she doesn't use them all the time.

Start with the Magic Words – "Please," "Thank You," and "You're Welcome"

Getting your child to say "Please," "Thank You," and "You're Welcome" when appropriate is the first step to raising polite toddlers, kids, tweens and teens. It's also one of the hardest habits to establish.

Role playing can help you reinforce how to respond to kindness, a compliment or any other situation that would require the child to react positively. When he uses his good manners, let him know that you noticed and that you're proud he remembered to use them. 

If your family isn’t used to exchanging these niceties, you may have to set an example yourself. Whether it be at a restaurant, the checkout lane in the grocery store or putting your child on the bus each morning, make it a point to express your thanks each and every time when it is warranted.  Children are like little sponges and will soak in all of what they see you doing even when you don’t realize they are paying attention. (Because, by the way, they are ALWAYS watching your every move!) 

Encourage Written Thank You Notes

Don't overlook the lost art of writing thank you notes, says Debra Antone, the mom of three teen boys. They are a must when it comes to teaching kids manners.

“Once a child is old enough to write sentences comfortably, say around the third grade, they are old enough to write a note of thanks to friends, grandparents, or anyone who offers him a gift at Christmas, his birthday, or any other occasion.  Thank you notes seem to be a thing of the past now that we have access to texting and e-mails.  Don’t underestimate the power of a written note — it can be life changing for both the sender and the receiver!”

Offer to Help

I’m always impressed when one of my kids has a friend over for dinner and then offers to help clear the table! The first thing I think to myself is “I’ve got to mention this to his mother — she is going to love hearing about her kid’s awesome gesture!”

Other examples of offering to help might include asking his teacher if he needs help preparing for a project during recess, or calling grandparents to see if they need their lawn mowed in addition to something simple but meaningful like teaching your child to hold doors open for people, especially older people or people who have been injured, have small children, are carrying packages, or have other distractions.  Simple gestures like this can go a long way in teaching a lifetime of respect for others. 

Brush Up on Greetings and Introductions

Madelyn Pearce’s biggest pet peeve is when she gives one of her daughter’s friends a ride someplace and the child doesn’t even acknowledge her when she gets into the car.

“I was taught to always extend a courteous greeting when I met one of my friend’s parents for the first time, or for the 10th time.  When one of my kid’s friends gets in the car and barely makes eye contact with me, never mind the rudeness of taking out their cell phone where they begin texting immediately so they can avoid any type of interaction, I get so aggravated I see red!” 

“My kids know this is something I don’t approve of so they go out of their way to make the introduction or make small talk so I won’t embarrass them with my comments.”

It's important that your child feel comfortable introducing herself to others and greeting people in public and on the phone. If your child is meeting someone for the first time, she should know to say, "My name is Kate, pleased to meet you." You can also teach her to offer her hand in a handshake.

She should be just as careful on the telephone. A polite greeting for the phone might be, "Hello, this is the Pearce family, Abby speaking." When phoning others, she should begin the conversation with, "Hello, this is Abby, may I please speak to Lauren?" 

Teach Good Sportsmanship 

This year, yours truly had a letter to the editor about parents setting a better tone when they sit as fans in the stands of their children’s sporting events.  My particular situation revolved around my son’s Narragansett Little League games.  The behavior displayed by a handful of parents and onlookers was unspeakable in terms of setting a good example. 

Inappropriate comments were made by these grown adults toward the 8 to 10-year-old players, which were not only offensive, but not even questioned by many of the other “grownups” in the stands who were cheering for both teams.

Good sportsmanship begins at home. Often, kids who are bad sports feel like they are under a lot of pressure from their parents to win at all costs. What kind of an example are you setting for your kids? Ask yourself these questions:

• How do I behave when I'm playing sports or board games with my children?
• How do I react when they make a mistake? When they win? When they lose?
• How do I behave at my children's soccer, Little League or Pop Warner games?
• Do I ever get visibly angry at the coach or the referee? 

There are certainly many more instances of nipping rude behavior in the bud — we didn’t even touch on the topic of table manners – but the bottom line is, kids learn by example. 

If you have any tips on how you instill better manners in your own children, we’d love for you to share with us here in the comment section!