How’s Your Sex Life?

Sometimes I try to imagine what the Pilgrim women would think if they were to come back and find the world the way it is today.

I’m sure they’d be thrilled with the major advancements concerning cooking, laundry and the fact that we can actually flush our own toilets (if only our family members remembered to push that handle down once in a while!), but I wonder if they’d crawl under a rock if they were to see a Viagra commercial. Or how about those KY His and Her Intense gels that guarantee fireworks in the bedroom? It might scar them for life.

Since we don’t live amongst the colonists, and the women in our midst are not kept in the dark about things like X-Rated videos and how they can turn their partner on without being arrested, this week, our Gansett Mom’s Council went all out and discussed our sex lives. (We used discretion!)

I’m not sure if our early ancestors would approve of such a discussion, but it certainly was interesting to hear how couples were keeping their love lives interesting after many years together while raising kids, working several jobs, battling weight gain, hair loss and lots of other daily struggles.

Due to the sensitive nature of this subject and the fact that we don’t want our spouses and partners logging on to Patch today and reading that we’ve been discussing what’s going on (or not) in our bedrooms, we respectfully decided to remain anonymous for this hot topic. (And we know our children who are faithful Patch readers thank us as well.)

Sex After Kids

With the exception of one parent in our sex chat this week, everyone admitted that intimacy was not on the top of their “to do” lists in the bedroom once children arrived. Sleep was much more necessary and much less taxing on the body!

A mom with a 4-month-old and 3-year-old put it this way.

“I’ve got someone attached to me and touching me all day long. By the time my husband gets home and even tries to give me a nice kiss I graciously tell him that the shop is closed until further notice.”

Poor guy! She admits that her heart is very interested in spending more physical time with her husband, but she’s just beat by dinner time and can’t even entertain the thought of anyone else touching her besides her down pillow.

According to a recent survey by the online magazine Baby Talk, just 24 percent of parents say they’re satisfied with their post-baby sex lives, compared to 66 percent who were happy before they had children. This really came as no surprise to our council members (except for the one lucky lady who says this has never been a problem during the 18 years she’s been married), but we all agreed that we wish that weren’t the case.

After a couple bottles of wine and some really great chocolate, here are some of the ideas we traded about how we might heat things up a bit this summer.

Try Something New

Yes, I’m blushing as I type this part of our discussion but like anything else, even our sex lives can get into a rut. You may ask yourself ‘what happened?’ or feel like the spark has dimmed, but in reality, you just need to change things up. There is nothing more exhilarating than the unexpected, so get creative and try something new.

If this is out of your comfort zone, call your mother and ask her advice (just kidding!). C’mon now, there are plenty of on-line articles about this sensitive subject and if you’re really ready to go all out, buy a book on the subject and surprise your partner with it — it makes great bedtime reading.

Play Games

Family game nights have made a big comeback in the past few years as a way of staying connected with our loved ones because we’re all so busy. Playing games isn’t just for kids. One common groan amongst the council members was monotony. It’s easy to see why we don’t get all warm and tingly when our mate walks into the room wearing a stained yard shirt and wants to know if we’re all out of toilet paper.

Lots of couples are turning to good old fashioned board games to bring a little sizzle back to the bedroom, but instead of games like Monopoly they’re reaching for “A Hot Affair With Your Partner,” made specifically for adults! If you google adult games, you’ll see this is just one of many options to get you started.

Embracing The Quickie

Sure we all laugh about the “proverbial quickie” but what’s so funny about it? Finding moments between the chaos and exhaustion to squeeze in some intimacy is better than nothing at all. Quickies don’t necessarily have to be a full-blown sexual experience either (though we’re certainly not discouraging that!).

Making time to simply touch one another with a long hug or even holding hands more regularly can build a physical bond. And what about cuddling on the couch when you’re watching TV? Your partner might get a little suspicious if this isn’t the norm for the two of you, but something as simple as rubbing your husband’s shoulders while he’s watching the game could certainly lead to something more.

Get Back To Basics – Kissing

Believe it or not, less than 50 percent of people kiss their partners on daily basis. No wonder so many people are stuck in sex ruts. Once we stop kissing, it’s a sign that something needs to change. You remember how to make out, don’t you? One mom who has been satisfied with her sex life for the past 18 years said she and her husband take rides in the car and stop someplace quiet and dark and just kiss.

“Couples rush everything and kissing seems to be a lost art for so many. I’d rather have a sexy kiss with my husband than anything else.”

Send Your Partner A Sexy Text

These days technology is often depicted as a time bomb that could destroy a relationship at any moment, but savvy couples can take advantage of this and send sexy emails and texts to each other to cultivate their connection and build sexual anticipation. Of course, if you don’t text or use the computer, you’ll have to resort to the next best thing — steamy love letters. Send a suggestive note to your lover at the workplace or stick it in the briefcase, and don’t just do it once — get playful and start a fun new way to communicate with one another.

Skinny Dipping

Ok, it’s summer and the temperatures are rising. We certainly don’t advocate stripping down naked at the Narragansett Town Beach in the middle of the day with your special someone, but the ladies in our group who have actually had the pleasure of skinny dipping highly recommend it. You’ll have to choose the time and place, but be a little daring and see how that can get the mood going.

Schedule It

This may seem completely regimented and much to rote, but there are lots of couples that schedule their lovemaking on the calendar! Imagine sitting down with your partner and taking out your day planners and a red sharpie and blocking off regular rendezvous throughout the month? Go ahead and give it a try. The worst that can happen is you have to reschedule!

How Often Are We Having Sex?

There's no law that says you have to hit the sheets every single week. It seems that the sex experts are telling us we should have sex a couple times a week, but then life gets in the way, and we end up feeling guilty, undesirable or second-rate. Some weeks are magical, some are chaotic, and the rest are somewhere in between.

Remind yourself that no one's keeping score (unless you have some particularly nosy friends or Mom’s Council members), and it's a safe bet that there's no pool on your sex-life. Like other areas of life, even sex is going to come in ebbs and flows so don’t get down if you know it’s only temporary, and if you think you might need to switch things up in the bedroom, maybe you can give one of the ideas we just mentioned a try.

If you care to be bold and share your own thoughts about the importance of a sexual relationship with your significant other, please go right ahead and let us know here in the comment section. Also, if you’d like to join our Mom’s Council or have a question you’d like to see us feature in an upcoming column, please e-mail me at CB091987@aol.com or contact our editor Stephen Greenwell at stephen.greenwell@patch.com.

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