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Do You and Your Spouse Fight in Front of the Kids?

Your husband just returned home from the store but completely forgot to get the Advil and Rocky Road ice cream you have been patiently waiting for. You immediately let him have it and read him the riot act - in front of the kids! Now what?

If you grew up watching shows like The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show, you probably can’t recall any instances where Mike and Carol ripped each other apart over something trivial, like Carol buying a new pair of floral drapes for Mike’s den, especially in front of their six children. 

And Dr. Huxtable and his strong willed but adoring wife Claire wouldn’t think of swearing at one another just because Claire invited her parents to stay with them for two months.  No way! 

Instead, these made for TV couples would calmly and thoughtfully find a way to express their displeasure with the other and then search for the ultimate compromise. And this would always unfold in front of their brood of children so that everyone could learn a valuable life lesson.

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Since most of us aren’t actors and live life in the real world — a world that often tests us with things like a slow economy, misbehaving children, aging parents who now need our constant support, clogged toilets and so on and so on, we find ourselves with less patience and a shorter fuse for even the simplest of problems. 

When we are at the end of our rope and can’t possibly shoulder one more hardship, the person that is most often the recipient of our wrath, regardless of the situation, is our spouse. 

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With summer now here and temperatures heating up, this week our Mom’s Council discussed how we all handle disagreements – well, more like contentious fighting – with our significant others, particularly when the kids are around. 

While we all admitted to arguing with our spouses, we also admitted that at times, the kids are in earshot. Here is the lowdown on our chat about spats.

Conflict—It’s Going To Happen

Experts have long cautioned that children can experience serious psychological harm if they witness their parents fighting. But a new study, published in The Journal of Child Psychiatry and Psychology, suggests that children might actually benefit from watching their parents sort problems out.

“In some ways, kids benefit from seeing their parents disagreeing — and even being mildly angry,” says study co-author Patrick Davies, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “It gives them a lesson on how you can come to a mutually acceptable solution through compromise.”

Leslie Adams, a mother of three and a licensed social worker, agrees that if couples fight in a constructive way, it can ultimately have a positive outcome for the kids.

“My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we fight over issues about the electric bill being too high right down to how I don’t care for how my husband’s snorts after he drinks soda too fast.  Since we both work and don’t have a lot of private time together, many times these arguments take place in front of our kids—that’s just the way it is. 

We do have ground rules, however, and the most important one is that we never put the other one down when we are fighting.  Even if we completely disagree with the other and our voices are pretty loud and tense, we truly make a good effort to stick to the problem, each state our side, and then see if there is a way we can compromise. Sometimes, there isn’t an easy compromise, but by the time we’re done arguing, we have at least heard each other out and we can at least agree to take it up later.  When the kids see this, they don’t necessarily like seeing their parents fighting, but they are secure in knowing we will end it in a civil way, therefore they don’t feel threatened by it.”

Cheryl admits that with eight kids underfoot at all times, catching a private moment to just sneak into the bathroom alone is nearly impossible, never mind having time to fight with Brian without anyone hearing them. 

"Since he travels during the week and is only home for about three days that also doesn’t lend itself to having enough time for a good brawl. Believe it or not, when we have a tense situation that needs to be addressed, we take a ride in the car, even if it’s just around the block, and we have at it in the privacy of my powder blue minivan! And if that isn’t possible we always make sure that once we are done with our argument that we have a hug or show some other sign of affection so that the kids know we really do love one another and we explain that we aren’t always going to agree on a situation and have to work through it until we can both be comfortable with a solution.

Truth be told, it’s just not realistic if our kids only ever see us speaking very reasonably and always working things out like adults.  Resolving conflict is something you have to learn and it’s probably best learned at home, and if they never see anyone getting angry with each other, how are they going to deal with it when they grow up?”

Karen Smith, the mother of one daughter, learned the hard way that hitting below the belt while fighting with her ex-husband ended up hurting her daughter more than her ex.

“By the time we were nearing the end of our divorce, things had gotten pretty ugly.  My ex and I thought nothing of calling each other names and bringing up every negative and rotten thing we could remember from our nine years together.  We did it without even thinking.  I hadn’t realized how hateful I had become until one day when he came to pick our daughter up for a weekend with him I told him what a rotten provider he had always been and then chewed him out for not coming to our daughter’s school play because he was too busy drinking beer with his friends. 

The look of devastation I saw on my daughter’s face nearly knocked me off my feet. I was ashamed and horrified at myself for stooping that low. No matter how much I despise him, it’s still her father, and she adores him. My therapist advised me to never put my ex down in front of my child again no matter what because that only ends up hurting the child and this is when psychological damage occurs.”

Suggestions to Fight Fair

In a recent article on the MSNBC website, the following suggestions were compiled from a mix of psychologists’ advice and common sense:

  • It is possible to fight in a constructive way, experts say. The most important thing is to show respect for your partner and to remember that no matter how angry you feel, you always keep in mind why you chose this person to be your spouse.
  • Listen to what your partner is saying, make eye contact and let them know you hear and understand the point that is being made.
  • Even if you’re angry, don’t forget to occasionally let your partner know you feel affection either through a physical gesture, like a pat on the leg, or by saying something nice and complimenting him.
  • Always show respect. Nothing can turn up the heat faster than a stream of contemptuous, angry words. While it’s O.K. to let some anger out don’t let yourself lose control.
  • Don’t say things you’ll regret later. Remember, you’re working with your partner to find a solution, you’re not out to win a war.

In other words, if you fight fair, odds are you won’t mess up your kids, which is a relief to those of us who fall short of the kind of hushed, serene household where the Brady bunch lived.

How do you feel about fighting in front of your kids?  Do you and your spouse have a way of spouting off steam that doesn’t put the kids in a tizzy?  Please let us know here in the comment section. 

Also, if you’d like to join our Mom’s Council or have a question you’d like to see us feature in an upcoming column, please e-mail me at CB091987@aol.com or contact our editor Stephen Greenwell at stephen.greenwell@patch.com.

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