Coexisting in Harmony with Teenagers

Come this February, I will have five teenagers ranging from 13 to 18 years old. Yikes you say? I know, I know — I hear condolences all the time. Once well-meaning folks get done extending their sympathies, I then hear how traumatized I will be by the time the last one leaves the nest. 

More or less, I’m advised to draw up a living well and hope for the best!

All kidding aside, it certainly does get a parent’s heart racing when they start anticipating all the horrible things they are going to experience once their children hit puberty. Our Gansett Mom’s Council had quite a bit to share about the whole teen saga, and believe it or not — most of it is good!

Children Often Meet Our Expectations

Our Gansett Moms were very adamant that our kids tend to meet our expectations. Most people think it’s the norm to simply expect teenagers to be cranky, rude, disrespectful and disinterested in their relationships with their parents. If that’s what we anticipate, they're most likely going to live up to that low standard of behavior. Even worse, if we assume that’s the way the majority of teenagers are going to act, we unknowingly set the behavior bar at a very low place.

On the other hand, if we hold that bar up just a bit and let our kids know that we have higher expectations for their behavior — even during their pubescent years — we send the message, "We get it that you’re you're growing, experiencing lots of changes and trying to figure things out, but we still believe that you can behave in a way that isn’t disrespectful and that you can be proud of."

Jen Smith, mom of a tween and a teen believes in setting limits and clear expectations.

“It sounds easy in theory to lay out ground rules with consequences, but we’re human and when we get tired or overwhelmed that’s when we tend to waiver and send mixed messages to our kids. I think consistency is what keeps my sons’ behaviors and expectations in check.

“I know it sounds corny, but it never hurts to stop what you’re doing and compliment your teen for mature and respectful behavior. I’ve even rewarded them with movie tickets or an iTunes gift card just for being good kids. That gesture goes a long way!”

Your Teen Hates You?

Remember when your son was thrilled to have you chaperone the class field trip or loved sitting close to you on the couch when you watched a favorite TV program? It seems that all you did was blink and now he argues with nearly everything you have to say and would rather eat dirt than be caught talking to you in public, especially in front of his friends.

Teenagers are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their parents, says Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children’s Hospital in Boston. “Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively,” he explains. “It’s the task of the teenager to fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.” 

So don’t fret if your teens are focusing on their friends more than on their families. That’s completely normal, as is their need to reject their parents in order to find their own identities.

Don’t Take Teen Behavior as a Personal Rejection

Sometimes parents feel so hurt by their teens’ treatment that they respond by returning the rejection — which is a mistake. “Teenagers know that they still need their parents even if they can’t admit it,” Goldman said. “The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they’re feeling internally.”

As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.

But no one’s saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” By letting your teenager know that you’re here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he’ll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

Nancy Clayton, mom of a teenage daughter has had to remind herself often not to take rejection as a sign her parenting was way off track. “I need to remind myself of this daily. Also, to shut the laptop or put down whatever I'm working on and connect with my daughter when she takes time to chat with me. Those moments are so important, and I never want to take them for granted.”

Teenagers and Drama

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately. All you have to do is look at her the wrong way and you immediately get the evil eye along with the drama of her slamming doors and making snide comments about how you will never understand all the stress she’s enduring and if you really loved her, you’d get out of her face!

Our Gansett moms know that part of being a teenager is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her. If a parent isn’t sure how to react to all the drama going on, they tend to trivialize the importance of things in teenagers’ lives, leading their teen to feel frustrated and misunderstood. As parents, we want them to open up to us about what’s hurting them, so if your daughter is falling apart because the new girl in her science class is flirting with her boyfriend, you need to take it seriously instead of making light of it and telling her it’s all in her imagination.

Don’t offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she’ll see how silly high school romances are. I’m experiencing this myself with one of my high school children, and I can tell you that all my child wants is for me to listen and sympathize. By validating how hard it is for him, he seems to be more comfortable talking at times about his broken heart, and I’m not completely shut out by him during this hard time.

Today’s teenagers often do get a bad rap, regardless of whether they’ve done anything to deserve it. If we could embrace what they have to offer, celebrate their individualities and quirky sense of humor, remember to live in the moment with them rather than overreact when they have a bad moment (or two), perhaps we could bust the myth that teenagers are selfish human beings who only want to punish their parents when life isn’t going their way.

I actually saw a bumper sticker not too long ago that said, “Honk if you love a teen.” What do you say — let’s show them the love: honk, honk, honk!

Do you have a teen in your life that absolutely makes you beam with pride one minute but drives you crazy the next?  We’d love to hear your comments about how you get the best out of your teenager when he/she likes to test the waters. 

E mail me at CB091987@aol.com or contact our editor, Steve Greenwell at Stephen.Greenwell@patch.com