Lately, I've been starting to feel old.
It happens in certain moments in life. Hearing 1980s music on oldies stations is one example. I'd complain about how it's not oldies music, but then I remember that 1982 was 30 years ago.
Or seeing my cousin's kids on Facebook, two of them are already in college. Granted, my cousins on my mom's side of the family are significantly older than me, but it still is strange.
Or I'll see someone that I went to school with announcing their engagement on Facebook.
Or, the kicker, hearing that people I went to high school with are having children of their own. My god, is that making me feel ancient.
I know I shouldn't, since I'm not even old to begin with. I'm 27. At this age, people are in the prime of their lives and it's really where life begins to be life for the average person. But yet, I feel like all my opportunities have passed me by. I feel like I lost the memo for growing up and I'm just trying to catch up to everybody.
I graduated at an older age than most folks. Usually, people are around the ages of 22 or 23 when they graduate college. However, with me, it took until I was 25 to graduate.
There was a mixture of emotional problems, subpar grades and just not knowing what the hell I was doing for a while. I got my act together and I wouldn't trade the journey I had through school for anything, but I feel like I'm playing catch up to everybody else I graduated high school with.
Most folks I graduated with seem to be doing all right for themselves. At least, this is what Facebook seems to be telling me. They've got full time jobs, they're off doing fantastic things in life and all that jazz. Some of them are married now, some are starting families or have kids already, and they seem to be doing well too.
Meanwhile, I'm here with a part-time job (well, not counting this fine writing gig of course!), taking some classes to expand my resume and computer skills, and wondering if I'm going to end up being the old lady up the street with all those dogs. Not that dogs aren't awesome, but this is how my brain works at times.
Most of the time, this is really easy to get over. I remember that everybody grows at their own pace and that I may be a little behind, but that doesn't mean anything. Besides, sometimes the late bloomers are the ones that really take the world by storm.
Just look at Randy Johnson – one of the greatest left-handed pitchers of all time who didn't get his break until around 25 or so. And some actors started late in their careers too!
For the most part, reminding me of this (and also the fact that comparing myself to others is a stupid idea that I need to stop doing) does the trick. Well except for one department...
Yes, that one. The matters of the heart.
I'll admit – I get lonely. It's a human emotion. When you see those people out there who have somebody (even if sometimes that somebody isn't what they need), it gets frustrating. I get bothered and I start to ask myself, "What the hell?! Where's my someone?!" before sighing and remembering that I can't rush things just because I feel a twinge of loneliness.
And I suppose it is my fault in a way. I mean, I do have somewhat high standards when it comes to guys I want to date. I don't mean it in a "They have to look really really hawt!1" or something like that. It's more or less about conversation with me.
I have to be able to hold a conversation with them and not feel 10 times dumber after speaking to them or feeling like I'm talking to a wall. You'd be surprised at how hard it is to find someone like that. Thankfully, I do have friends I can hold conversations like that with which is awesome.
Then there's the loneliness itself. Whenever I find a guy I may have feelings for, I begin to wonder if it's legitimate or if it's because of the loneliness. It's kind of ironic that it's the cause itself that's causing the cause (whoa, I just made my head spin a little reading that to myself).
And the biggest reason of all is just plain old not knowing what to do. I'm like Jarrod Saltalamacchia was when Felix Doubront tried to hug him in the dugout a couple nights ago. The whole crippling shyness hasn't quite gone away from high school.
Let me put it this way – I haven't had a legit relationship in 10 years. 10. (expletive). Years. (Pardon the expletive... I needed to get my point across).
So, obviously, I'm so insanely out of practice. I've had some almosts and some "maybe they were dates?" but no legit stuff. I'm fine with that, but you'd think I'd have found myself in at least one since then. Hell, that legit relationship may not even be legit in some cases since it was high school.
But even with this, I begin to realize that this whole love game stuff is something that will sort itself out in due time and it's not worth getting up in a tizzy about. If things happen, they'll happen. Rushing things or forcing things aren't right.
Besides, I’m in favor of things happening organically. I like the idea of finding someone and it all being magic and stuff... Or even it possibly being someone that I've known for a while but just one day realize, "Okay, why didn't I notice this before? I'm kind of a dolt..."
In spite of all the whining I've just done, love isn't the most important thing in my life right now. Right now, it's finding a full-time job getting decent enough money to move out. Not that living at home doesn't have its perks; I just don't know if my parents would want me to live here forever.
And there's also the whole matter of that whole possible road trip I want to take (still looking into it!). As I wrote to one of my friends in an email one day: "Love hasn't knocked on my door yet, but I'm usually not home anyways."
I guess that's why I've been feeling old all in all... Just the whole sucking at love thing and seeing everybody else doing things better than anything I can imagine. Though maybe I'm just being overdramatic and perhaps my attitudes will change in a few days. These things are entirely possible. Let's hope for less mopey and more hopey...
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